Jesus said, “You have heard… but I say to you.” God’s promise is clear: train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. Here are five questions about how to raise amazing children God’s way.
The Biggest Mistake Christian Parents Make
There are many classic mistakes, but the biggest mistake I see Christian parents make is to assume, or even worse, to give the impression, that their children are Christians. Parents take their children to church and create cultural Christians, nominal Christians, churchgoers and good people who follow the right path, but who’ve never had an encounter with the Lord Jesus Christ themselves.
Parents tell their kids, “You’re born again,” and the kid sort of believes it, but they’re not. Later in life the world offers them something and they think, “This is far better. This whole Jesus thing isn’t that powerful or compelling.” You want to know that your children are truly born again and baptized in the Holy Spirit. I would never tell your kids that they are. Let your kids tell you. You will know.
Jonathan Edwards preached on how to know if you’re truly born again, and there are many good keys: the fear of God, the hatred of sin. I’ve never seen anybody who wasn’t born again truly worship God. Anybody can sing the right song and clap. When you tell your kids they’re born again when they’re not, you’re anesthetizing them against the gospel. Make sure they’ve had encounters with God that college, or anything or anybody else, can never talk them out of. As written in John 3:3, “Most assuredly, I say to you, unless one is born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.”
The second biggest mistake is environment: taking kids to the wrong church. In America parents often choose a church for its cool programs, its bouncy castle and its crowd of kids. After a while, the world has better entertainment than any church. My wife and I have taken our kids to churches with just a few other kids and wondered whether we were hurting them. Parents, don’t choose a church for your kids. Choose the right church for you and take your kids along. What God is doing in you will affect what God is doing in them.
Raising Children Who Genuinely Love God
This is actually a really easy question. How do you raise kids who genuinely love God? Raise them in the love of God. Be filled with the love of God yourself. Husband, love your wife. Wife, love your husband. Love your kids with the love of God, and raise them in an environment filled with it.
Every time your kids step outside that environment, it’s like stepping out of a warm home into the cold. When they meet people who talk about love but really mean sex, using people or transactional things, they’ll recognize that it isn’t the love of God. If you raise them as the world does, they’ll go out into the world and think it doesn’t look much different from how they grew up. Your kids come from the love of God and are built for the love of God. Everybody responds to love. As written in 1 John 4:19, “We love Him because He first loved us.”
Biblical Parenting in Today’s World
Biblical parenting looks the way it has always looked, because God doesn’t change. We need to separate principles from practices. Should kids go to public school, a Christian school or be homeschooled? I can’t give you a law on that. My wife and I decided to homeschool our kids, and we were okay with a lower income so my wife could school them. If I stood in front of my church and said, “Thou shalt homeschool,” a single mom holding down three jobs would be condemned. The answer isn’t homeschool. The principle is that you hold the primary responsibility for the education of your child. Don’t just hand them over without knowing what’s being taught.
Is it wrong for kids to watch movies or TV? No, it depends what’s on. Is it wrong for them to have a phone? No, but it’s wrong if it becomes like a drug they can’t control. The Amish tried to solve problems by giving up electricity, and they have a lot of success, but it’s less about what they don’t do and more about the emphasis they put on family, parents, love and kids. We could learn a lot from them, but I like heating, dishwashers and my self-driving Tesla.
Don’t buy into the lie that it’s so hard to raise kids these days. Love God. Love each other. Love your kids. Put an extra carrot in the pot. God will give you what you need to raise amazing kids if you’ll follow Him. Just don’t follow the world. As written in Hebrews 13:8, “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.”
Balancing Grace, Love and Discipline
You don’t balance them. It isn’t 33% grace, 33% love and 33% discipline. Go 100% on grace. Like the movie Spinal Tap, turn it up to eleven: eleven out of ten on grace, eleven out of ten on love and eleven out of ten on discipline. You don’t need to compromise these things.
I’m all in on loving my kids, and I’m all in on discipline. At times I’m like the Rock of Gibraltar with my kids, because I love them. People try to divide life into percentages: so much for God, so much for marriage, so much for kids. No. I’m 100% about God, 100% about my wife, 100% about my kids and 100% about my calling. Go all in, and God will figure those things out for you. As written in Colossians 3:23, “And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men.”
Handling a Strong-Willed, Defiant Child
I love this question. All children are unique. There’s nurture and nature, and nature is real. Some children are compliant and peaceful; some are stubborn fighters.
First, don’t look at a strong will as a failing, as though one is a good kid and this one is a bad kid. God probably put that in that child. We want to be stubborn and strong-willed about the right things: about righteousness, integrity, excellence and faith. Stubbornness is great when it comes to faith. The problem comes when a child uses that will against the parents.
The answer is to establish boundaries, authority and discipline. My daughter was probably the strongest-willed of our three as a child; my son not at all; my youngest son different again. It doesn’t matter how strong they are. I’m not trying to crush their will. Imagine feeding a two-year-old: “It’s lunchtime, you’re in the high chair, and you will eat this meal. We’re not leaving the table until it’s finished. I love you, but I’m in charge.” Don’t engage with their will. Engage with your boundaries and your authority.
I remember a young teacher at my high school, fresh out of teaching college, who knew her subject but had no authority. Kids screamed and threw things; even they hated the mayhem. Then an older teacher, about five foot two, walked in, raised her hand and said, “Stop. Sit down, shut up and open your books.” We all did it. She wasn’t shouting, begging or threatening. She knew she was in charge, and we knew she was in charge.
If you let them get away with 5% of things, they’ll always assume the 5%. Many parents try to persuade teenagers by reasoning: “Don’t take drugs, they’re bad for you.” All that is true, but it tells the child, “Obey me if you agree with me.” Instead say, “You will obey me because I’m Mom and Dad and you’re living in my house.” When a child keeps running into a wall that doesn’t move, they learn quickly that exercising their will against your authority doesn’t work. God has given you that authority as a gift, and you bless and serve your children when you let it work as it should. As written in Ephesians 6:1, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”
Scriptures for Study
Proverbs 22:6, John 3:3, John 3:5-7, 2 Corinthians 13:5, Romans 8:16, John 4:23-24, Acts 2:38-39, 1 John 4:7-8, 1 John 4:19, Ephesians 5:25, Titus 2:4, Malachi 3:6, Hebrews 13:8, Deuteronomy 6:6-7, Romans 12:2, Philippians 4:19, Colossians 3:23, Matthew 22:37, Hebrews 12:11, Proverbs 29:15, Proverbs 29:17, Ephesians 6:1-4, Romans 13:1, Luke 7:8, Matthew 5:21-22
10 Questions for Reflection
- Have I assumed my children are born again without them telling me?
- Do my children see genuine worship in me?
- Did I choose our church for myself or for my children’s entertainment?
- Is my home an environment filled with the love of God?
- Will my children recognize counterfeit love when they meet it?
- Which of my parenting choices are principles, and which are only practices?
- Am I taking primary responsibility for my children’s education?
- Am I trying to balance grace, love and discipline instead of going all in on each?
- How can I channel my strong-willed child’s stubbornness toward faith and righteousness?
- Do I reason with my children when I should be exercising authority?
