Do Not Look Back in Anger
Full disclosure: If you came to this blog post looking for an Oasis song, I apologize. I confess that I have shamelessly borrowed Noel Gallagher’s title, yet it is quite appropriate because, sadly, this is how the vast majority of people, including many Christians, live their lives.
One of the greatest skills we can ever learn is to not look back in anger. By this, I simply mean that God desires us to live free from the bondage of unforgiveness and offense. In this short teaching, I want to give you four vital keys I have learned that will help you put this into practice in your everyday life. I truly believe, and indeed this has been my life experience, that if we can learn to conquer unforgiveness and walk in victory over offense, it will be an immense blessing to us. I would suggest to you that only a small percentage of Christians ever learn and put into practice this simple lesson.
Unforgiveness ruins the lives of believers. Unforgiveness attaches us to our past. It creates within us an identity as a victim of other people, events, or circumstances. Unforgiveness blocks our receiving and experiencing of God’s forgiveness. It is vital that we recognize that we will receive and experience God’s forgiveness only to the extent that we give and release forgiveness to others.
“For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matthew 6:14-15 NKJV)
How do we practically move ahead in this area?
Here are four vital steps that I have come to recognize, which have helped many people walk through forgiveness.
1. Realize that this will happen to you.
To one degree or another, we will all walk through situations of offense. We cannot control this. To some degree, we can learn, as we grow in wisdom, to avoid such circumstances, yet while you are alive on planet Earth, you will be hurt or injured by others to some measure. Being a Christian does not exclude you from this reality. I have often encountered the belief that as we rise in Christian ministry, we are more protected from being hurt. However, in my experience as a pastor and church leader, the more one rises in responsibility and authority, the more one may be hurt by others. This is especially true of local church pastors. To some degree or another, a church pastor will have his (or her) heart continually broken. When you are 100% committed to long-term relationships with others and those others see that in a more fickle sense, there is a constant possibility of hurt and offense.
What I want you to understand is that we will all be offended. The only thing we are really in control of is our own response in the midst of these circumstances.
There is power in knowing that we will be offended. When we live with this reality, we can plan for it. I have discovered that it is easier to make difficult decisions—especially those your emotions do not want you to make—before the need arises. It is said that airline pilots practice again and again the procedures they must follow when a plane loses altitude and enters a possible dive. When the pilot is most needed, he must simply work the procedure and follow instructions. It is vital that he can isolate himself from his emotions.
When we are offended, we are often blind. Our emotions speak louder than the reality of God’s Word.
You will be hurt by others, and you will be offended. A wise person recognizes this reality, chooses in advance how to react, and makes a commitment to walk in forgiveness and love.
2. Go to your brother.
There is another important element in learning to forgive that is often overlooked in Christian settings. This is the simple command of Jesus in Matthew 18:15-17:
“Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.”
What we often do, or what is often proposed, is the idea that when someone sins against us, we should simply forgive them. However, many years of experience have taught me that if we take the time to go to the person concerned and speak to them, we will often find that we have misunderstood the situation. It is vital that we are not forgiving someone for something they have never done. This takes courage. This takes integrity. This takes obedience to the Word of God above our emotions. I believe that people often hide in offense and claim they have forgiven someone they have never even bothered to speak to. If we are to be followers of Jesus, then let us be followers of His Word.
3. Forgiveness is a choice.
Forgiveness is a choice made by your will, not an emotion that you experience.
By definition, when we are experiencing unforgiveness, we are usually very aware of our emotions. We feel hurt, wronged, and grieved, and these emotions speak loudly to us. The problem that most of us experience is that when we try to forgive, we may feel some relief, but quickly the storm of those emotions returns, and we feel as though we have not forgiven. We are led astray by our emotions.
It is vital that we come to realize that forgiveness does not begin or end with our emotions. Our emotions are simply the fruit of what is truly going on in our hearts. When we realize that we can forgive as an act of our will and as an act of faith, without any feelings whatsoever, it is a glorious day.
The key to forgiveness is faith. If I were to set a thermostat to 70°, it does not mean that the temperature of the room would instantly rise. If after five minutes I said to myself, “I do not feel warm; this thermostat is not working,” that would be foolish. My role is to set the thermostat and wait for the ambient temperature of the room to catch up with the settings on that thermostat. In the same manner, we can set our heart to forgiveness about a particular person and simply believe by faith that that person is now forgiven. This does not mean that we are denying the emotional storm we might be experiencing. Rather, we are denying the authority of that emotional storm to dictate the course of our lives. I have learned that if we set our heart on forgiveness (and keep it there), the reality of our emotions will eventually catch up.
Forgiveness is not an emotion; it is a choice. When Jesus hung on the cross, bleeding and dying, He cried out,
“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.” (Luke 23:34 NKJV)
I do not believe for one moment that Jesus was experiencing a wonderful sense of emotions as He spoke those words. Rather, He was making a choice of His own will. Now, Jesus is experiencing the fullness of those emotions and the joy that was set before Him.
“Looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” (Hebrews 12:2 NKJV)
4. Dealing with our emotions.
Faith does not deny the reality of our emotions. Faith denies the authority of our emotions. Faith acknowledges the feelings we experience, but also acknowledges that they are temporary and subject to change.
“While we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.” (2 Corinthians 4:18 NKJV)
How then should we deal with emotions which influence us so strongly?
Most of us have never thought in great detail about our emotions and how they operate. Simply put, we easily enter into a cycle where we think about something for a prolonged time, and as a result, we begin to feel corresponding emotions. The cycle continues as we focus on those emotions, reinforcing them.
The key to learning to forgive is to choose to forgive by faith and establish it as a settled reality in our hearts. On a practical level, I have found that it can be good to write something down, take communion, and mark the moment. For example, you could write: “On this day, at this hour, I forgive this person for what they did.” I encourage you to sign and seal that decision as if it were a legal agreement.
When someone gets married, it is an emotional day, but it is also a covenantal and legal agreement. It is quite common that, at some point later, the couple may not feel the same intensity of joy as they did on their wedding day. The key is to not base the marriage on the current emotional state, but rather on the decision to love, honor, and cherish. When they practice these decisions, the emotions will return.
One of the greatest keys to bringing our emotions in line is to pray in the Spirit. If you take a moment to focus on a person or situation and begin to pray in the Holy Spirit (pray in tongues), you will find yourself praying the perfect will of God. As the heart of the Father is expressed through you, your emotions will come into line and reflect the life of your spirit.
How to Navigate an Ongoing Relationship with Someone Who Has Offended You
Every relationship and situation is different. There is no one-size-fits-all solution. Some people need to apply the principles of forgiveness concerning someone who is no longer alive or no longer present in their lives. Others may need to forgive someone with whom they share a home, a workplace, or a life.
There are situations where we are required to forgive and release someone, yet at the same time, it is not wise or safe to maintain a close relationship with that person. For example, if a woman has been in an abusive situation, it is imperative that she forgives the person who wronged her. However, to forgive does not mean that she must stay in or return to that abusive situation. There are times when we need to set proper and appropriate boundaries with those around us. Forgiveness does not negate wisdom.
It is important to understand that we can forgive in an instant, but that does not mean we need to trust a person instantly. Some situations may never allow for trust to be restored, while in other cases, trust can be rebuilt over a long period of time. We need the wisdom of the Holy Spirit, as James 1:5 says:
“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.” (James 1:5 NKJV)
Forgiveness and Honor
It is also vital to understand the principle of honor. When we are hurt by someone, our natural inclination is often to dishonor that person in return. Yet, as Christians, we must forgive everyone, though we may not necessarily trust everyone. What is equally important is that we do not dishonor others.
For instance, if you were raised by parents who hurt you, it is essential to forgive the wrong they have done to you. At the same time, there is a biblical mandate and commandment to honor your parents. We do not honor our parents because they are always honorable, but because they are our parents and because God commands us to do so.
“Honor your father and mother, which is the first commandment with promise: ‘that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.’” (Ephesians 6:2-3 NKJV)
This may seem difficult at first, but I assure you that it becomes easier with practice, and you will see the wisdom of God behind it. In the kingdom of God, we are called to honor people for who they are without dishonoring them for who they are not. When Noah became drunk and lay uncovered in his tent, one of his sons saw his father’s nakedness and exposed his shame to his brothers. The other two sons walked in backwards and covered their father’s nakedness, choosing not to look upon his shame. We can choose which path we take.
In Summary
I encourage you to forgive, once and for all, everyone who has hurt you. A great way to begin is to ask the Holy Spirit to search your heart. Often, there are situations—especially those we have distanced ourselves from geographically or emotionally—that we are no longer aware of, but that still sit in the depths of our hearts. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal these things to you.
“Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me, and know my anxieties; and see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” (Psalm 139:23-24 NKJV)
The goal of heaven is that we do not look back in anger, but rather that we look forward through the eyes of faith, hope, and love.
Selah.